"I dun wanna call myself adek anymore, i want an adek, pleaseeee.."

kalau ayat di atas keluar dari mulut budak berumur 2 tahun mesti korang rasa alolololo cute nyer~~ tapi kalau keluar dari mulut orang berumur 21 tahun mesti korang rasa euwww menyampah. hahahah. owh btw, Assalamualaikum my sweet readers. hehe. lame dah tak update blog. im having a short break tapi life sebelum itu adalah sangat busy. i told you before kan. but know what, ive learnt a lot of things this few days.

  Starting last thursday, when i was performing my isyak prayer, my back pain struck me again. the pain was terrible, i tell you dat. rasa macam kena hempap dengan batu tau. macam korang letak semua beban atas tulang belakang sampai tulang tu rasa baik patah dari sakit. oh no. astaggfirullah. i was so sad dat time. imagine, from a very active young girl, i cant do a lot of things now just because im suffering with back pain which i dont know what it really is. ive check with doctors twice. n both of them said everything was fine. i dont know. i dont understand. but i was so sad until i get mad. untill this one fine day, a friend of mine post about this _____ husband. (read his story n put a suitable word bcoz at this moment i cant think of one..).

  his name is Abil, married to a woman named fauziah. currently, his wife is suffering with permanent brain damage (according to the doctor) n only ALLAH can heal her. due to his wife condition, dia tekad nak berhenti kerja sebab nak jaga wife dia. so from a handsome guy with stable job n position, dia sekarang hidup hanya dengan duit simpanan n duit dari JKM to support all his n his wife expenses. n obviously, banyak duit dihabiskan untuk menanggung perbelanjaan perubatan isterinya. u better read his blog, WARKAH BUAT ISTERI; memory n suamimu dear. one simple blog that made me drown with tears. he made this blog sebab dia berharap yang isterinya nanti akan pulih n sihat macam biasa. and if masa tu dia takde, he hopes his wife akan baca all the posts n remember him n feel how pure his love is. :') siapa tak nak husband macam tu kan?

  well, ive read all his posts n i was so touched when he wrote that he will do the best he can for his wife sebab wife dia dah hilang banyak nikmat dunia. for a moment, i was paused. baru aku sedar, despite the backpain yang aku rasa, aku still ade banyak lagi. i can think, i can eat by myself, i can express myself, i can walk, i can feel the air, i can shower, i have my parents beside me, i have my lover, i can drive, i can study, i can dream big, i can work my butt off for to reach my dream............. and why must i choose to regret over one small thing. instead i should try my best to find the cure. n to believe in Allah more.

  and then, these past few days, i keep nagging to my mum about having another family member. you know, in my family im the youngest, balek dari kuliah tengok ibuayah buat hal masing2. n dont have anyone to play with. tak tau nak menyakat sapa. lagi2 bila cuti sekolah macam ni. ade laa rasa nak bawak adek2 pgi PUSAT SAINS NEGARA sebab nak tengok dinasours tak pon pgi PETROSAINS ke. tak pon bawak diorang pgi tengok 6D theater ke. to see kids being excited over new things brings satisfaction to me. i remember when umairah said "best laa rumah ni, nak ajak ayah datang sini lagii la.." or when she simply said "WOOOWW!!" sebab nampak baju princess dalam cerita Enchanted. i love moments like that. sebab tu aku nak adek. hahaha. well, i got different answers from my mum like "im too old to handle baby's cry.." or "get married n have your own.." or "get married. i also want a grandchild.."

  despite all that. despite the fact that its impossible to have my own adek, i have this cute baby

  tadaaa~~ this is amar widad. a friend of mine punya youngest cousin. so sekarang aku memang ade hobby baru. pergi bermain dengan amar widad sampai dia penat. hehehe.

  owh well, last thing i wanna share with you. aku rasa macam tak sedap badan this morning. rasa macam nak demam. tapi sebab aku rasa aku kuat, so aku tetap bertahan. sampailah lunch time tadi. rasa macam dah tak larat sangat. then i posted a tweet saying ill take a break sebab masa tu aku memang nak balek rumah je. nak on aircond, makan ubat n sleep well. but then, betul2 lepas abes lunch (had my lunch outside..) tbe2 dengar azan. and my friend asked me "nak solat dekat masjid?" i told him i dont want to. i told him i really want to go home right now. i told him if he wants to pray at the masjid, then ill go home alone. but he refused. n said "its ok..". but i dont know why, my heart cant simply let it be like that. so i asked him "u nak solat dekat masjid ke?" he smiled n said "awak tau kan, kalau kita dengar azan, tapi kta tak pergi masjid, solat kte tak sah. i terfikir pasal tu je.. tapi awak demam, kalau awak nak drive sorang2 balik rumah, i risau jugak..".

  his words took me a moments to think. i mean, im not that kind of person that when you say 'lets do it for Allah', i will automatically turn on the switch to drive myself n do everything. i still need time to think about it. yes, im not the good example, but believe me, i really one to be sme kind like that. ill work for it. insyallah n please pray that ill be a better muslim day by day. i replied to him "im so sorry, but i really want to go home.." he said "its ok.." the car was quiet for a while. tapi bila dia masuk dalam kawasan masjid i suddenly told him "kita solat sinilah.." simply like that. i dont know what had happened. but i was scared. what if, on the way back home, Allah wants me? what if, on the way back home, something happen and i cant perform my solat? What if, when i arrive at home n suddenly feel so tired untill i forget about my solat?

  so alhamdulillah. semoga solat saya diterima.

  maybe you think the conversation i had with my friend is nothing. but believe me, i learnt a lot. in being a muslim, all you need is the want to be one. the want to be a muslim. the want to be a good muslim. and dont simply say it, instead work for it. ALLAH gave us many precious things. ALLAH gave us brains to think, so use it for the sake of ALLAH. and use it for your own good. Kita semua belajar yang kita akan dibangunkan selepas kiamat, di situ ada satu lagi kehidupan yang baik buruknya ditentukan dengan cara kita menghabiskan hidup di dunia. Jadi berbuat baik didunia akan menjadikan kehidupan kita di alam barzakh lebih baik. isnt it best for us? if loving ALLAH here means ALLAH will love us better in akhirat, isnt it what we always want? isnt it what we always pray for? well, you think about it. As for me, i feel embarrass with myself. How many times ive turned my back to ALLAH? how many time ive been arrogant in this world? but again and again ALLAH will always come to me n ask me to love HIM. again and again ALLAH provides me the best HE can.

  i dont have any fancy things to share with you. no any glamorous life to be proud off either. but i feel so thankful because my life is filled with many beautiful and magical moments. and for that, i thank ALLAH. to anyone that read this entry, i hope you gain something. may ALLAH be with us.

  thill then. Assalamualaikum.

  p/s: people asked "who is your fren?" i answered "the one i pray that one day he will proudly n happily lives this life with me, and holds my hands and leads my way to jannah." amin~~

sebab aku perempuan...

hye darls. seems i cant wait. hehe. well korang tau pasal the new show dekat oasis? liga ilmu? briefly, this show macam debat between ustazah pilihan vs imam muda. few week agao aku ade baca fynn jamal's post pasal liga ilmu ni. tym tu aku ignore je laa sebab tak pernah tengok pon. tapi tadi, after one commercial break aku macam rasa nak p balun ustazah dengan imam tu cakap leklok sikit. satu benda pon tak mantap. huhuhu sedih. btw, this post bukan nak condemn diorang ke apa. aku juz nak write something (as i promised in my previous post) yang related dengan tajuk debat tadi

KEBEBASAN; Kenapa kekangan kepada wanita?

dulu masa dekat tanah arab kecoh2 pasal perempuan insist nak hak yang sama rata macam lelaki, aku sikit rasa sedih. why cant they see the way i see. aku rasa peraturan kt tanah arab tu (walaupun ade sesetengah nya yang agak over) tapi still bagi banyak keistimewaan kepada wanita. first, wanita tak boleh berkerja. kalu kita tengok betul2 pon, memang tugas mencari rezeki tu tanggungjawab suami dan ayah. bukan ibu atau isteri. so perempuan memang sepatutnya dilayan seperti permaisuri. kan seronok. nak duit mintak je. nak pergi mana2 ade orang hantar. nak jalan ade orang teman. memang laa kurang freedom sikit. tapi maruah tu insyallah terpelihara.

haha. kadang2 aku rasa nak gelak bila bercakap soal freedom. dalam liga ilmu tadi pon, ape laa freedom ke human right yang kita sibuk2 perjuangkan. perempuan sekarang nak sangat freedom. nak sangat dipandang sama rata macam lelaki. tak nak dipandang lemah. ah. buang laa semua. tu poyo je. monolog diri sendiri yang nakkan perhatian. setan. bila disuruh pakai tudung, ramai nak bangkang. konon perjuangkan freedom nak free hair macam lelaki. yang engkau taknak appreciate freedom kau bole pakai tudung tanpa orang pandang pelik kenapa? tiap2 hari kau bole tukar tudung. nak kaler ape. merah, biru, pink, oren, semua kau bole pakai. nak yang corak polka dot, animal printed tak pon bunga2, semua kau bole ade. kenapa kau tak nak perjuangkan freedom yang itu. hak engkau untuk ade lebih dari satu tudung. hak engkau untuk tukar tudung tiap2 hari. kenapa kau mesti highlight nak free hair jugak? nak berjalan dengan rambut engkau yang telanjang. yang 2 3 bulan sekali baru tukar fesyen. kan kalau pakai tudung hari2 kau bole tukar fashion. hari ni macam hana tajima. esok macam yuna. lusa nak pakai tudung fareeda. tulat kau pakai tudung labuh macam ALLAH suruh. itukan freedom jugak. freedom yang entah kenapa ramai perempuan suka tolak ke tepi.

another thing is bila cakap pasal poligami. aku, walaupun masih sedaya upaya membina keyakinan yang poligami tu adalah perkara yang baik (perempuan mana yang tak takut dimadu kan?) masih rasa terlalu lemah untuk mempertikaikan hukum Allah. to me, daripada kita sibuk2 menolak kebebasan lelaki untuk kahwin lebih dari satu, kan bagus kalau kita bole berfikir apa kebebasan yang perempuan ada untuk menghadapai situasi macam ni. and obviously, perempuan tak bole kahwin lagi kalau nak balas dendam. so tak payah laa sibuk carik boyfriend laen masa husband sibuk nak kahwin baru. kang lagi teruk gaduh. LOL. tapi pada aku (correct me if im wrong) seorang isteri tetap ade kebebasan untuk slow talk dengan suami. berbincang mana yang kurang and how to improve the marriage and how to settle the problems. perempuan ade hak untuk minta nafkah yang cukup daripada suami sebelum membenarkan suami kahwin lagi. dan perempuan ada hak untuk menghalang niat suami kalau dia mampu membuktikan suami dia tidak mampu menjadi suami yang baik bila berkahwin lagi. itu kebebasan yang perlu kita sedarkan. bukan bila dapat tau suami nak tambah satu terus meraung macam itulah akhir dunia. Allah kan ada. have faith in Allah. and always remember. perempuan ade hak untuk minta fasakh tapi kena ingat jugak
Baginda Nabi s.a.w pernah bersabda : “ Mana-mana wanita yang meminta cerai daripada suaminya TANPA ADA SEBARANG SEBAB YANG MENDESAK , maka haramlah baginya ( wanita itu ) mencium bau syurga “~ Hadis diriwayatkan oleh Al-Imam Ahmad rh di dalam musnadnya ( 5 / 277 ) , 

perempuan, bila ditanya soal freedom trus mahukan kebebasan yang paling maximum. upload gambar dekat facebook tu freedom. lepas tu orang like menggunung. pujian melambung. tu yang perempuan suka. yang bila dipuji "u dengan boyfriend you sweet sangat.." dia suka. kalau boleh aku pon nak buat semua tu. aku pon nak dapat comment2 sweet macam tu. tapi aku selalu tanya diri sendiri. UNTUK SIAPA AKU HIDUP? kalau jawapannya Allah maka tunggulah sampai saat aku sampai ke syurga. nanti aku upload beribu gambar sampai juling mata orang tengok. haha. tapi pokok nya aku kena tunggu. sebab Allah suruh. sebab aku percaya pada Allah.

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conclusion nye, tak kisah apa aku buat
- aku ade freedom untuk simpan kecantikan aku untuk suami.
- aku ade freedom nak elakkan diri dari fitnah.
- aku ade freedom untuk jaga maruah ibuayah.
- aku ade freedom untuk taknak keluar rumah. sebab aku mahal. sebab diluar rumah banyak lelaki2 jahat. sebab diluar rumah mendedahkan aku dengan lebih banyak dosa.

aku ade freedom untuk mengamalkan islam. aku ade freedom untuk ikut aturan Allah. sebab aku perempuan. sebab aku tau Allah sayang hambanya yang perempuan. sebab tu, Allah dedicate surah An-nisa untuk perempuan. hey, lagu cinta mana lagi best dari surah an-nisa tu?

sebab aku perempuan...sebab aku ciptaan Allah paling indah..lalu aku ade freedom untuk menjadi sepertimana DIA mahu aku jadi

I'm brutally honest. 
I don't like sugar-coating things. I'm blunt. 
I'm always the one who kicks you in the ass. 
I'm the one who tells you off. 
I'm the bad cop. 
But I'm doing that to tell you, life aint easy. 
We fall, we fail, we break, we shatter into pieces, we get torn into shreds. 
Put your defence up and stop wallowing. 
Life's unfair. 
You get more of something, less of something else. Face that.

-Amore