"I dun wanna call myself adek anymore, i want an adek, pleaseeee.."
Starting last thursday, when i was performing my isyak prayer, my back pain struck me again. the pain was terrible, i tell you dat. rasa macam kena hempap dengan batu tau. macam korang letak semua beban atas tulang belakang sampai tulang tu rasa baik patah dari sakit. oh no. astaggfirullah. i was so sad dat time. imagine, from a very active young girl, i cant do a lot of things now just because im suffering with back pain which i dont know what it really is. ive check with doctors twice. n both of them said everything was fine. i dont know. i dont understand. but i was so sad until i get mad. untill this one fine day, a friend of mine post about this _____ husband. (read his story n put a suitable word bcoz at this moment i cant think of one..).
his name is Abil, married to a woman named fauziah. currently, his wife is suffering with permanent brain damage (according to the doctor) n only ALLAH can heal her. due to his wife condition, dia tekad nak berhenti kerja sebab nak jaga wife dia. so from a handsome guy with stable job n position, dia sekarang hidup hanya dengan duit simpanan n duit dari JKM to support all his n his wife expenses. n obviously, banyak duit dihabiskan untuk menanggung perbelanjaan perubatan isterinya. u better read his blog, WARKAH BUAT ISTERI; memory n suamimu dear. one simple blog that made me drown with tears. he made this blog sebab dia berharap yang isterinya nanti akan pulih n sihat macam biasa. and if masa tu dia takde, he hopes his wife akan baca all the posts n remember him n feel how pure his love is. :') siapa tak nak husband macam tu kan?
well, ive read all his posts n i was so touched when he wrote that he will do the best he can for his wife sebab wife dia dah hilang banyak nikmat dunia. for a moment, i was paused. baru aku sedar, despite the backpain yang aku rasa, aku still ade banyak lagi. i can think, i can eat by myself, i can express myself, i can walk, i can feel the air, i can shower, i have my parents beside me, i have my lover, i can drive, i can study, i can dream big, i can work my butt off for to reach my dream............. and why must i choose to regret over one small thing. instead i should try my best to find the cure. n to believe in Allah more.
and then, these past few days, i keep nagging to my mum about having another family member. you know, in my family im the youngest, balek dari kuliah tengok ibuayah buat hal masing2. n dont have anyone to play with. tak tau nak menyakat sapa. lagi2 bila cuti sekolah macam ni. ade laa rasa nak bawak adek2 pgi PUSAT SAINS NEGARA sebab nak tengok dinasours tak pon pgi PETROSAINS ke. tak pon bawak diorang pgi tengok 6D theater ke. to see kids being excited over new things brings satisfaction to me. i remember when umairah said "best laa rumah ni, nak ajak ayah datang sini lagii la.." or when she simply said "WOOOWW!!" sebab nampak baju princess dalam cerita Enchanted. i love moments like that. sebab tu aku nak adek. hahaha. well, i got different answers from my mum like "im too old to handle baby's cry.." or "get married n have your own.." or "get married. i also want a grandchild.."
despite all that. despite the fact that its impossible to have my own adek, i have this cute baby
tadaaa~~ this is amar widad. a friend of mine punya youngest cousin. so sekarang aku memang ade hobby baru. pergi bermain dengan amar widad sampai dia penat. hehehe.
owh well, last thing i wanna share with you. aku rasa macam tak sedap badan this morning. rasa macam nak demam. tapi sebab aku rasa aku kuat, so aku tetap bertahan. sampailah lunch time tadi. rasa macam dah tak larat sangat. then i posted a tweet saying ill take a break sebab masa tu aku memang nak balek rumah je. nak on aircond, makan ubat n sleep well. but then, betul2 lepas abes lunch (had my lunch outside..) tbe2 dengar azan. and my friend asked me "nak solat dekat masjid?" i told him i dont want to. i told him i really want to go home right now. i told him if he wants to pray at the masjid, then ill go home alone. but he refused. n said "its ok..". but i dont know why, my heart cant simply let it be like that. so i asked him "u nak solat dekat masjid ke?" he smiled n said "awak tau kan, kalau kita dengar azan, tapi kta tak pergi masjid, solat kte tak sah. i terfikir pasal tu je.. tapi awak demam, kalau awak nak drive sorang2 balik rumah, i risau jugak..".
his words took me a moments to think. i mean, im not that kind of person that when you say 'lets do it for Allah', i will automatically turn on the switch to drive myself n do everything. i still need time to think about it. yes, im not the good example, but believe me, i really one to be sme kind like that. ill work for it. insyallah n please pray that ill be a better muslim day by day. i replied to him "im so sorry, but i really want to go home.." he said "its ok.." the car was quiet for a while. tapi bila dia masuk dalam kawasan masjid i suddenly told him "kita solat sinilah.." simply like that. i dont know what had happened. but i was scared. what if, on the way back home, Allah wants me? what if, on the way back home, something happen and i cant perform my solat? What if, when i arrive at home n suddenly feel so tired untill i forget about my solat?
so alhamdulillah. semoga solat saya diterima.
maybe you think the conversation i had with my friend is nothing. but believe me, i learnt a lot. in being a muslim, all you need is the want to be one. the want to be a muslim. the want to be a good muslim. and dont simply say it, instead work for it. ALLAH gave us many precious things. ALLAH gave us brains to think, so use it for the sake of ALLAH. and use it for your own good. Kita semua belajar yang kita akan dibangunkan selepas kiamat, di situ ada satu lagi kehidupan yang baik buruknya ditentukan dengan cara kita menghabiskan hidup di dunia. Jadi berbuat baik didunia akan menjadikan kehidupan kita di alam barzakh lebih baik. isnt it best for us? if loving ALLAH here means ALLAH will love us better in akhirat, isnt it what we always want? isnt it what we always pray for? well, you think about it. As for me, i feel embarrass with myself. How many times ive turned my back to ALLAH? how many time ive been arrogant in this world? but again and again ALLAH will always come to me n ask me to love HIM. again and again ALLAH provides me the best HE can.
i dont have any fancy things to share with you. no any glamorous life to be proud off either. but i feel so thankful because my life is filled with many beautiful and magical moments. and for that, i thank ALLAH. to anyone that read this entry, i hope you gain something. may ALLAH be with us.
thill then. Assalamualaikum.
p/s: people asked "who is your fren?" i answered "the one i pray that one day he will proudly n happily lives this life with me, and holds my hands and leads my way to jannah." amin~~
